Cupertino, CA — In a move that has tech enthusiasts buzzing, Apple has announced that its next generation of iPhones will be constructed entirely out of Vibramium, a proprietary, “revolutionary” material that is allegedly tougher than titanium, lighter than helium, and mysteriously absent from the periodic table.

At a very early special Apple event, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the new material with his trademark enthusiasm. “This is the future of materials science,” Cook proclaimed to thunderous applause. “Vibramium is not just a breakthrough; it’s a break-through-your-wallet moment.”

Apple’s Senior Vice President of Materials Innovation, Dr. Amanda Alloy, explained Vibramium’s origins. “It’s the result of years of secretive R&D at Apple’s subterranean Material Sciences Lab. Our team worked tirelessly to create this masterpiece of a product that will make your wallet cry.”

Apple claims that Vibramium iPhones will be nearly indestructible, able to withstand drops from space, extreme temperatures, and even your toddler’s sticky hands. However, the fine print in the presentation hinted that the new Vibramium phone is highly susceptible to “ fractures to the screen on the corners of the display,” recommending users invest in a $799 AppleCare Vibramium screen protector.

Apple has also touted Vibramium as a sustainability game-changer. “This material is 100% recyclable,” Cook declared, “though the recycling process will only be available at a few select Apple Stores starting in 2045, with a $500 reprocessing fee.”

Predictably, the cost of Vibramium comes with a hefty premium. The iPhone 18 Pro Ultra Max Plus—the first model to feature the material—will start at $3,999 for the base 16GB model. For those who find this price steep, Apple has introduced a financing option called iDebt, allowing users to pay off their phones over 15 years at a competitive 34.99% interest rate.

The iPhone 18 Pro Ultra Max Plus will be equipped with their latest A19 chip, which will run at a lower speed than previous generations. According to Apple engineer Sam Chillton, this move was made in order to keep the battery life for as long as possible, or until Apple accidentally pushes an update that permanently bricks the generation.

In true Apple fashion, the iPhone 18 Pro Ultra Max Plus will not come with a charger, headphones, or even a box. Instead, customers will receive a digital hologram of the phone’s unboxing experience—a move Apple says is “revolutionizing the unboxing culture.”

Meanwhile, rumors abound that Samsung is developing its own Vibramium alternative called Flextanium, which is allegedly planned to be used for their Galaxy Fold line of phones with prices starting at about $5,999 for the base model, slightly less than their current generation.

As preorders for the iPhone 18 Pro Ultra Max Plus begin next week, one thing is certain: Apple has once again transformed a routine product launch into a masterclass in generating money.