President Joe Biden announced today that he has pardoned Adolf Hitler, describing the Nazi dictator as “just a guy who made a few bad decisions and got a bad rap.”

According to our sources, Biden explained, “Look, folks, here’s the deal. Was he perfect? No. Did he do some things—some big things—wrong? Sure. But who among us hasn’t made a mistake or two? I’m a guy who believes in second chances.”

The announcement, accompanied by a 30-minute unrelated story about Biden’s childhood friend “Corn Pop” and a confusing anecdote about a 1939 pack of Bazooka Joe bubble gum, left the press corps visibly bewildered.

Reactions from both sides of the political aisle were swift. Republican leaders mentioned this was a “well needed pardon,” while Democratic leaders distanced themselves by muttering phrases like “It’s complicated” and “This is above my pay grade.”

The President elaborated on his reasoning by pointing out that no one has ever truly gotten Hitler’s side of the story. “Look, folks, everyone’s got a backstory. Maybe if someone had just invited the guy to sit down for a beer and a slice of apple pie, history could have gone a little differently.”

Meanwhile, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis issued a statement that read, “Florida schools will continue removing any books that advocate for anything that’s not a cis white straight men.” When asked why he was talking about schools, he walked away from the media while screaming “I hate gay people.”

Tucker Carlson’s latest episode on X, The Everything App was devoted to the topic, dramatically asking, “Is Biden trying to gain more points after the elections?”

Despite the backlash, Biden remained unfazed. “Come on, folks. Let’s turn the page, okay? It’s time to move forward. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to figure out why the Wi-Fi in the White House keeps disconnecting.”