President Donald Trump revealed his latest visionary proposal at a rally held in a Florida parking lot: annexing Mars as U.S. territory to “unlock its untapped business potential.” Flanked by a banner reading “Make Space Great Again,” Trump outlined his plan to transform the Red Planet into a “five-star, luxury, freedom-loving hub” featuring Trump-branded oxygen farms, zero-gravity golf resorts, and, of course, a casino where Martians “will finally learn the art of the deal.”

“Mars has been ripping us off for decades,” Trump declared, citing unverified reports of “illegal alien rocks” crossing into Earth’s orbit. “We’re going to build a big, beautiful dome—the best dome, believe me—and make Mars pay for it. And if those little green guys think they can undercut our businesses? Wrong. I’m slapping a 40% tariff on all Martian dust imports. Earth’s sand? Overpriced and low-energy. Martian dust? Tremendous energy. The best.”

Economists speculate the tariffs could ignite the first interplanetary trade war, particularly after Trump accused Venus of “dumping toxic clouds” into the solar market. Meanwhile, NASA officials were reportedly seen Googling “How to claim a planet” and “Is space Force legally a Navy?” A spokesperson later clarified that Mars is, in fact, “not zoned for commercial use,” but Trump countered by tweeting that he’d already “zoned it with my mind.”

The proposal has sparked excitement among venture capitalists, with Elon Musk hastily rebranding SpaceX’s Mars colony as “Trump Mars Estates” and Jeff Bezos auctioning Prime delivery slots for the 34-million-mile trip. Critics, however, argue the plan overlooks key logistical hurdles, such as Mars’s lack of oxygen, water, and a Fox News signal. “Typical Earth negativity,” Trump retorted. “They said I couldn’t sell steaks, vodka, or a university, and look at me now—almost a stable genius. Mars will be huge. We’ll have the best craters. The best red. And I’ll even pardon the asteroids.”

When asked about indigenous Martian life, Trump assured reporters he’d “negotiate a terrific deal” before adding, “If they exist, which many people are saying they don’t, they’ll love me. I’m a great landlord. Ask Ivanka’s wedding planner.”

The United Nations has yet to comment, though sources confirm diplomats are drafting a resolution titled “Please Stop.” Undeterred, Trump teased his next big idea: annexing Jupiter’s moons as timeshares. “Tremendous views,” he mused. “Very high-class radiation.”