This Sunday, September 28th, President Donald Trump has announced a new executive order to direct the national guard to kill all journalists. This move was in response to what Trump says is an increase in “extremist left wing propaganda” after news of his name being on the Epstein list surfaced.

Jeff, our news reporter, was at the White House when the announcement was made, so we’d like to give our sincere condolences to the family of Jeff. May he rest in peace. His sacrifice was in the name of Democracy.

Fortunately, we have many more staff to send out, so one of our other reporters managed to get a few words with the vice president, J.D. Vance.

“This executive order will finally allow me to enjoy my hard earned vacations” says the Vice President. “These pesky antifa will be gone and America will finally be great again.”  Sadly, we couldn’t get any more from J.D. Vance as the Secret Service caught and assassinated our reporter.